Archives for posts with tag: humor

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Inspired by one of my favorite movies of all time, you could be a member of Troop Beverly Hills. All you need is lots of Khaki, a green scarf & beret, fanny pack with a water bottle, a back pack… March through the streets of your hometown singing “gather round you friends of mine… We are wilderness girls and it’s cookie time!” And you are guaranteed to get a few chuckles from other 30 something mothers.

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Plagued with conjunctivitis for Halloween? Turn it into a costume! You could be a viewer of the 2013 VMA music awards. Miley’s performance was so dirty & disgusting it could cause eye infections. Maybe walk around staring at an iPad continuously playing Miley’s performance only to look up at each door step to say “trick or treat.” It’s guaranteed to gross some people out.

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Going to a couples costume party? Why not be Amber & Gary! It’s everyone’s favorite couple from teen mom. Grab a flat brim authentic baseball hat, pencil in a sculpted beard, stuff a pillow under a too small t-shirt and let those jeans sag low for the perfect Gary Shirley costume. Liberally apply some eye make up, don’t shower for a few days, and throw on a striped prisoners uniform for the Amber Portwood look. If you really want to play the part of Amber, every few minutes just close your eyes, rub your temples and yell “Geeaarry! Geary! Just stop!”

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Okay you probably have a lot of these things around the house… A hand knit hat, apron, vintage dress, chevron stationary, a keep calm & carry on coffee mug, retro reading glasses, boots, a satchel containing mason jars, handmade jewelry, baby tutus, home made crayons using bees wax, a hand stitch monster doll using recycled fabrics…. You know, stuff like that. And when people ask what you are. Just respond “I am Etsy.”

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Everybody dresses up like celebrities for Halloween… But no one ever dresses like the paparazzi! Throw on a backwards hat, vest, sneakers and carry a camera with a bright flash. Snap away & shout things like “This way! Please just one photo?! Turn to me! Please!”

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Recycle those super long CVS receipts by wrapping yourself up into a mummy! Buy a pack of gum & deodorant and you’ll probably get a receipt long enough to cover your whole body.

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Open-Letter-Graphic

An Open Letter to the Writers of Open Letters.

You don’t know me, but you know how this format goes. It starts by me saying “you don’t know me…” but then going onto describe myself, so you get to know me. I’m just a mum to three kids, with a small side business I’ll shamelessly plug because hey, if this goes viral, it couldn’t hurt sales at http://www.peggottyprints.com. I’m going to pretend this open letter is a call to action. I’m going to use this format to force upon you my righteous views. And I’ll act like I don’t want all this attention, but the essence of this very format is a like a giant red arrow pointing towards my own self profiting agenda & screams look at me! I need attention!

Heart of the matter: I am writing this open letter to ask that writers of open letters please find a new and creative way to express your views, shame your readers & call attention to issues in our current society. The open letter has become boring & cliche. I’m tired of the format! I don’t need people writing a letter and posting on facebook telling me how to live / do my job/ parent /eat / spend my money / dress .

Please make an info-graphic, it’s more current and in touch with my needs. I’d love a little flow chart that I can refer to when situations arise at the local playground and I need to know how to parent effectively.

Sincerely,
Jess

At our house we tune into WCVB daily, mainly because my husband has to watch the weather. Before meeting Steve I rarely watched the news and never selected a specific station as my only news source. Well, Steve has to watch the Channel 5 weather every day because he loves the StormTeam coverage. He talks to Harvey Leonard through the TV screen during every report questioning his predictions for weather patterns. I have become a loyal fan over the years. I tune in along side him, not for the weather, but because I love to hate on the newscasters. Love to hate? Hmmm, that is quite a contradiction. I actually enjoy getting annoyed by the newscasters. Where do we even begin with this news team? I guess a good start would be Ed Harding since he is the central figure at the news desk.

Ed Harding – It feels like he is on every single news cast throughout the day. I think he lives in a small utility closet at the station. When a storm rolls thru New England, Ed will be sitting there at the desk with his reading glasses perched on the end of his nose, a quarter zip sweater over a shirt and tie narrating the falling snow with such overdramatic comments it’s comical. I think during one storm I saw him on the news for like 36 hours straight. He has to be hot with those studio lights shining down on his sweater. Back in the late 2000’s WCVB did a huge overhaul and booted a bunch of newscasters, but Ed still remained. I think he signed some crazy contract in which he works every shift and in return he gets paid in Livestrong Bracelets.

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Bianca Delagarza – Bianca works the early morning news casts because she comes straight from “da club” to work. Her flashy attire is not typical of an anchorwoman. Check out this lacy number she was wearing today. I’m not sure if it is a blouse of neglige? But, I’m sure it doesn’t hurt their ratings with the male viewers in the 35-60 age range.

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She wore this red get up during the blizzard in February. While Ed is bundling up for the storm with his quarter zip sweater, Bianca is cutting holes in her top to make sure that StormTeam coverage doesn’t steal her thunder! She had the whole Boston area in a frenzy… and not to go buy milk!

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Susan Wornick – Susan is another mainstay in the channel 5 newsroom. I just saw her today on the news at noon and she is treading a fine line between lots of bangs and a mullet. She is another newscaster that survived the overhaul in the late 2000’s. While Nat & Chet were forced to retire, they kept Susan so she could keep her health insurance for the weekly screenings at her dermatologist. If anyone has ever seen her chest in HD it is public service announcement for the importance of sunscreen. I’ve noticed that the wardrobe department has started to adorn her with gianormous necklaces to cover up that sunkissed chest. Oh my god, I am so mean. I am seriously only doing this for laughs. I really do like Susan. (I don’t really care about Bianca. And honestly don’t like Ed.) But, Susan she’s a good egg. She’s old school.

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Randy Price – I am not going to say anything bad about Randy because I love him. He and Tom Selleck are the only two people on earth who look handsome with a mustache. He seems down to earth and nice. I am not going to pick on Randy in case I ever meet him in real life. I want to be his friend.

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I read a lot of blogs. And one thing I have noticed among the top mommy bloggers is the focus on fashion. It seems every mommy blog has weekly segment in which the mommy takes a picture of herself in a cute outfit. Oh, my god it is driving my crazy that I am typing mommy this many times. But, I don’t know how else to refer to these women. Back to my point… they do things like “work clothes/play clothes” “what I wore Wednesdays” “Fashion Fridays” etc. I will not be doing any fashion related posts because I buy my clothes at the local supermarket. I don’t even buy my groceries there. I just go there to buy their t-shirts because they are awesome (shout out to the Village Market). And when I really like something, I buy it in every color I can. So the posts would be really repetitive… such as “Work clothes – this is me in my navy blue long sleeve whale shirt from the Village Market. Play clothes – this is me in my green long sleeve whale shirt from the Village Market.”  Plus, I don’ t think I would be a good model for these fashion blog posts because I don’t know how to pose. When these bloggers take pictures of themselves (or have their husbands take pictures of them) they ALWAYS pose the same way… can you spot the similarities?

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They pose with their toes pointed in. I’m not sure if this makes you look more skinny? Or more innocent? Or what…  but all the bloggers are doing it. And it drives me crazy. Go to a podiatrist if this is your real stance. I am concerned that you won’t be able to chase your toddlers without tripping. 

I’m just giving everyone advanced notice (Santa said standard protocol is 6 months) that we have recently applied for Elf re-assignment. I just don’t think I can handle Finchie destroying our house one more time. I believe Santa is demoting him to substitute Elf. This means if someone’s primary Elf on a Shelf is sick or requested a personal day, that Finchie will fill in. Or if someone out there feels up to the challenge, they are more than welcome to host Finchie for Christmas this year. If you have no idea who Finchie is and would like to learn more… you can visit http://www.facebook.com/pages/Finchie-the-Elf/285313584839224

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3 kids and counting...

The only thing that is stopping me from having 20 kids like Michelle & Jim Bob Duggar is that I don’t think I have the energy to make sure that 20 kids brushed their teeth each night. Like, I can barely get myself motivated to brush my own teeth. Never mind brush 8 different sets of toddler teeth and then check in with 12 other older kids to nag/see if they brushed their teeth. And then to manage those bangs on top of it all… I don’t know how Michelle does it.

Little Brothers

Nolan came down with a high fever yesterday and we were trying to figure out what was wrong with him. He just wanted to lay on the couch all day, which is so unusual. We asked if his nose was stuffy or he had a headache. And he kept saying no I feel fine!

We finally made a doctors appointment for 5:30, and as I was getting him ready to go, I decided to “coach” him a little before the appointment. Here is our conversation.

Me: Nolan, what are you going to tell Dr. Lane when he asks you what’s bothering you?
Nolan: Um, Emmitt?

I was cracking up. Little brothers can be a bother! Turns out Emmitt was not the cause of the fever, he had a double ear infection. Unfortunately, the antibiotics prescribed do not treat bothersome little brothers.

Conductor

There is just something about Keith Lockhart that creeps me out. Like in order to be a conductor, he must be a complete control freak. Just look at the grip he has on his wife’s neck in this picture! She looks horrified and he looks two kinds of crazy. What do think he is whispering to her through that clenched jaw smile? Leave your guess in the comment section.